My Fears

I used to be a very fearful person. Even at a super young age, I have always had terrible anxiety. It makes being me very exhausting. I would have panic attacks all the time. Super scary for a six year old. I was constantly worried about family, friends, what people are thinking, afraid of not being able to live up to whatever unreasonable standards I set for myself… I would keep me up at night and after almost 30 years of this nonsense, I’m pretty sure I need Botox. These worry wrinkles on my forehead don’t lie.

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I would spend late nights fearing the unknown, scared of what other people thought about me and creating scenarios in my head to see how they would play out. My mind would go a million miles a minute and I just couldn’t calm down. It has taken me a very long time to find any peace. Surprisingly, the day I had Palmer, I had no fear. No stress or anxiety. Even knowing I was going into surgery, I felt so calm (well between me whining about contractions). In the weeks following her birth, I was zen. I was so happy that I didn’t care what happened. I knew I was going to mess up and fail but for the first time in my life, I was totally okay with it. Since then, things have greatly improved.

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I still suffer every day with anxiety and some days are worse than others. I think it’s greatly reduced because I don’t put ridiculous pressure on myself to be perfect all the time. If I don’t have time to put on makeup, that’s okay. I realized very quickly into being a new mom that I couldn’t do it all and honestly, I didn’t want to do it all. I’m a “dirty-dishes-still-in-the-sink-it’s-noon-and-we’re-still-in-jammies” kind of mom and that works perfect for me.

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Outside of my crazy anxiety, I do have one silly fear. I mentioned my terrible fear of reptiles in my 20 Facts About post. When I was a little kid, I was totally normal and was not afraid of snakes. I would go in the bushes and catch little snakes and put them in a bucket. Everything changed after one trip to my grandparents house. My grandmother had this huge snake. Now I’m not sure how big  because I’m using kid memory but I remember thinking it was the size of a whale. My grandmother was encouraging me to hold it/wrap it a la Britney Spears’ MTV performance of I’m a Slave for You.

Unfortunately, I did not handle it with the grace and poise of the Princess of Pop. Instead, I panicked. This snake was terrifying. It’s skin was silky and slithery. I always try and explain it to Erin… it’s like their skin looks wet… but it’s not. It grosses me out. From that day forward, I began to freak out anytime I saw a snake, picture of a snake, snake on TV, anything. Since living in Arizona, I’ve realized that fear now extends to most reptiles or anything with skin that looks wet but it’s not.

FYI – I just tried searching for a cute lizard picture to put here thinking I could handle looking at it and legit just started crying. So here… the only reptile picture I could clicking to add. I’m embarrassing.

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